Funny

Trip report

I think I closed my eyes, but I will never be sure. I felt a voice say (come with me), and I went. I instantly lost connection with everything I had ever experienced since my birth. I could not even think in my own language or remember anything at all about my past. I broke into a state of consciousness without the perceptive lens of being myself, or a human, or even a living organism. I not only felt dissociated from my body, I was separated from my soul. I experienced an eternity in an instant. I had blasted into oblivion, free of any shred of conscious thought. I think I was in ego-death for about ten or fifteen minutes of human time.
Each moment of this was the first moment. It was like being born into hell each moment. In that sense it was eternity. I had already been there for eternity. I need to emphasize that word - eternity. That's different then a long time or a thousand years or a million years. Eternity is forever. It was a place more fundamental than this three D waking life - a place where I had always been. It was beyond time.
The images and forms were distorted, escaping description but still infinitely amazing, but because I was facing backwards I could only see what had already passed. There were snippets from my life, visions of things I had done, people I've hurt and regretful decisions I've made, but it was all simultaneous. Like a feeling of pure dark energy, like concentrated darkness. It was a morphing cloud-like entity that seemed to be aware of me, and part of me at the same time. I can only describe it as being made up of all the worst parts of myself, the worst experiences I've ever felt, the darkest emotions. However this thing was aware and it spoke to me, not in english but I could understand its meaning. It showed me over and over again all the mistakes I've ever made and I was convinced of its intent, it wanted to keep me there, locked in this infinite dark loop of time. Forever being ripped apart, and re-assembled, and falling, falling endlessly. All the while being shown my own sins on an never-ending feedback loop of static torment. This darkened, morphing, infinite construct was a prison of my own making. I could hear or maybe more like feel a thousand different, distinct voices all around me screaming, not saying but screaming my name over and over again all around me, through me. And I knew that I had put myself into this place for the rest of time. This was my punishment for coming to this place unprepared, for trying to understand what I had no hope of comprehending until the universe had decided it was my time to die.
There was nothing notable or distinctive about this place. My previous reality was instantly forgotten, although I retained a measure of ability to form distinctive thoughts. Was this some sort of waiting area or holding room? In contrast to the brightly pulsating fractals from moments earlier, I now only saw a whitish-gray fog everywhere. I was keenly aware of a benevolent or perhaps neutral entity leaning over me, looking down on me, calmly inspecting me. I couldn't make out distinct features, and the entity did not speak to me. I felt completely calm, patient, and a bit curious as to what it was doing. I understood only after the trip was done, that this was the gatekeeper who would direct my journey, because I soon blipped again and everything changed drastically a second time.
The fairy asks me for some water, so I pour her a glass. As soon as I give it to her, she throws it across the room at the wall. She's now making me very angry. I try very hard to not yell at her angrily. I ask her why she threw the water and she punches me in the chest and runs out of the room. She tries to run outside but I stop her. She then runs up to me, grabs me, and begins making out with me. As soon as she starts she stops and runs out of the room. She runs out of the apartment and up the stairs outside. She tries getting into an apartment, thinking it was the one we were in earlier but it actually belonged to someone we did not know. I get her back inside and try to keep her calm.
He started yelling at me about breaking his chair just as I launched into hyperspace. This, I believe, contributed to the effects which followed, in addition to the state of my life in general. Either way, it hit me - or I hit it. It' was a giant fractal stained glass window, deep emerald green. I shot out through my third eye, blasting through the emerald veil like a bullet. My body slumped onto the concrete spread-eagle but I was in a different universe.
The contrast of that bright smiling face of the young kid in the white tuxedo to the unshaven, unkempt, drugged out hippie in front of his tent seemed to sum up my life's trajectory.
My whole room was being warped and then the vibrations started. Low at first then louder vibrating resonating oscillations as if space-time were sound waves coming out of a subwoofer, but the speaker was me. It was coming out my very center, not my body but my consciousness. At this point I was still awake and aware of my surroundings so I decided before it was all gone and wasted. I should try to take another, fuller hit. I had heard from many testimonials, the true experience feels like you break through and you go just elsewhere. Still in a warped daze I hurriedly unfolded the foil and dosed out about a third of what was left in the foil, wrapped it back up and set it aside. Then I sparked the torch and ripped it again. Hard as fuck this time and then held in the vapor as long as I could.
I eventually decided that I needed the police. I don't know why, but I thought that since this hell was giving me the illusion that I was in the street and still on earth that maybe I could get taken to a hospital and just settle in there. Maybe they would give me some Xanax or opiates to calm me down. Even if this wasn't real life I felt like maybe I could take advantage of the situation and try and get some magic potion. I had resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't coming back to my real life and just wanted to get comfortable.
There is now clearly something wrong with the fairy. She is running around the apartment, room to room, being very loud and hyper. Her behavior gradually becomes even more erratic. She took off her shirt and was running through the apartment in her bra. She is yelling, laughing, and making sex noises. All the movement caused her navel piercing to bleed several times. Each time she would notice it was bleeding, she'd start crying but kept running around. In hindsight, I realize how terrible of an idea this was but I then asked the fairy if she wanted to use her spice yet. She agreed and smoked 50mg. It only made her act crazier. I tried to explain to the goblin that I had never seen her like this before. I was embarrassed because the goblin didn't know the fairy before the party. I asked to have the party at the goblin's and he agreed even though he didn't know the fairy.
Each moment of this was the first moment. It was like being born into hell each moment. In that sense it was eternity. I had already been there for eternity. I need to emphasize that word - eternity. That's different then a long time or a thousand years or a million years. Eternity is forever. It was a place more fundamental than this three D waking life - a place where I had always been. It was beyond time.
About this time I felt the beginning of the wave. I realized, oh shit this is about to get serious. I exhaled and leaned forward to hand the pipe to her, knowing that I had seconds before I was in deep. As I leaned forward the chair I was sitting in snapped and broke and I stumbled forward onto the concrete.
I could now see a male magic entity, or more properly at that time the magic entity. He was not a tyke, or elf, or alien, but the spirit of the substance, a resplendent god – part south american indigenous deity, part futuristic machineic-being. And he was angry! I had refused his gift, and possibly his woman who bore the gift as well. He roared at me, infuriated by my disrespect and refusal to go along with the evening's planned entertainment.
When I got inside I found my room completely destroyed. All the sheets had been ripped off and the carpet was turned over. My nightstand was completely on its side as well. I realized that those silky materials that I felt were part of the hell were my sheets and blanket. As I returned to reality I called a good friend who helped calm me down. I had to turn on all my lights and I burned some sage to try and expel those spirits.
I think I closed my eyes, but I will never be sure. I felt a voice say (come with me), and I went. I instantly lost connection with everything I had ever experienced since my birth. I could not even think in my own language or remember anything at all about my past. I broke into a state of consciousness without the perceptive lens of being myself, or a human, or even a living organism. I not only felt dissociated from my body, I was separated from my soul. I experienced an eternity in an instant. I had blasted into oblivion, free of any shred of conscious thought. I think I was in ego-death for about ten or fifteen minutes of human time.
The final picture fell away some two three seconds after the breaking through the veil, and I was in hell. Just infinity and solitude with my pain and failures echoing around me. I felt the presence of the gods but in an impersonal sort of way. It wasn't like I was being punished. The transition from life to death was the transition from the finite to the infinite. My finite failures became infinite. It was natural. This was the fate I had chosen - what all my life had led up to. All of my decisions, my state of mind, were multiplied times infinity.
I needed someone to call them for me but all of a sudden nobody was there. I stood in the street trying to stop someone and people were going around me. I ended up jumping on the hood of the next guy that was moving slow enough. I laid down with my forehead against this guys windshield. There was a foreign guy in the car who barely spoke English and was confused and terrified. I was yelling for him to call the police, which he was doing. I wanted him to open the door and let me sit down but I felt that if I got off the car he would drive away like everyone else. Then I noticed two guys walking in the street who were asking if I was okay. I kept telling them I needed the police and they said okay and that they were on the way. They then tried to keep asking me what was going on and I could hear some lady in the background saying "he's been calling for help for a while, the cops are on the way." This was when I realized that I was back on earth. I had been put back here for some reason. I jumped off this guys car and ran away from all the people trying to help me. I sprinted back to my house and went inside.
Then, sobering up very swiftly, I remembered everything. My human life on earth. I was Megan, I remembered her now. I had taken drugs?! No! This was such a cruel development! This wasn't fair! My real life was back there, in the blissful sea! To say that being suddenly burdened with human consciousness again was a disappointment would be the understatement of the millennia. It may sound like I'm normally a depressed person or I hate myself or something, the way I describe my great sadness and sense of loss at returning to my human self. That isn't the case. It's key to the story to include that. My life isn't any more horrible than the average person's.
There's never been anything more real, nothing before that moment mattered, never would matter. No thoughts of the past. What past? It was so insignificant, all just preparation for THIS moment. In this infinite moment I really experienced the love, pure consciousness, which overcame quickly any perception of reality. Overwhelming love, pulsating electric intelligent paralyzing strangely alien love. It seemed to last a lifetime.
I realized I was tripping extra hard, and that the experience was about to just take over completely. For just a second I wondered if this was going to be a breakthrough?
the transition from a complicated and chaotic human individual to a simple electrical charge was smooth and seamless. Peacefully existing as an energetic building block of whatever plane of existence I was transported to was perfect. Time didn't exist here. My awareness had always been there and always would be.
Then, sobering up very swiftly, I remembered everything. My human life on earth. I was Megan, I remembered her now. I had taken drugs?! No! This was such a cruel development! This wasn't fair! My real life was back there, in the blissful sea! To say that being suddenly burdened with human consciousness again was a disappointment would be the understatement of the millennia. It may sound like I'm normally a depressed person or I hate myself or something, the way I describe my great sadness and sense of loss at returning to my human self. That isn't the case. It's key to the story to include that. My life isn't any more horrible than the average person's.
I could now see a male magic entity, or more properly at that time the magic entity. He was not a tyke, or elf, or alien, but the spirit of the substance, a resplendent god – part south american indigenous deity, part futuristic machineic-being. And he was angry! I had refused his gift, and possibly his woman who bore the gift as well. He roared at me, infuriated by my disrespect and refusal to go along with the evening's planned entertainment.
I entered what I can only describe as a waking-dreamlike state. I didn't feel the sensation of leaving my body, I just seamlessly blipped into another reality.
I remember red and white Mayan type patterns fractalling and expanding, overtaking my awareness. I had no control. Before I knew it, I was nonexistent. I recall opening myself, my chest, my jaw to this unlimited amazing energy. My head flooded open. Awareness of the body faded as any sense of self exploded into nothingness. Reality melted away and all that was left was an extraordinary vivacity. There was no longer distinction between my mind and the external world. No longer any sense of self, just an indescribably vibrant, pulsating, overpowering intensity of being.
As the effect began to wear off, I gradually became aware of my human body. What?! I gasped and my hand flew up and touched my face. Oh no, was my first thought. I was thinking again, and it was weird and jarring. It was something like being woken from a peaceful sleep by someone rudely dumping a bucket of ice water on your bed, but a thousand times worse.
The ability to form thoughts dissolved away. I was no longer me. And it didn't matter, because I forgot about me. Forgot is a poor description, because that indicates mental faculties to begin with, and I had none. I was no longer a person, had no concept or care of what a person even was, had no human emotions and no human thoughts. All that existed was a deep sense of peace and contentment. It was the ultimate, ideal state of being.
I remember this experience as bound by the laws of time: a linear sequence of events, one after the other. But I don't think it was like that – rather, I arrived at each chamber, at each moment in time, from a million different others at once, and each moment would soon explode into a million more. In retrospect, really trying to understand what happened is like looking through a kaleidoscope, turning the wheel frantically in search of some precise pattern I've seen before. Sometimes I get close, and I'm left only with the briefest impression of some otherworldly checkerboard vista and a chill down my spine before the pattern drifts again. Still, I have retained one image from this experience that feels like a real memory, a flash photograph snapped by my brain from a camera affixed above this transdimensional roller coaster and displayed in the gift shop as I exit. I see my friend sitting on a kind of velvet duvet, the walls made of pillowed squares and pulsing royal blue. In my mind's eye, though certainly not in reality, he is wearing a puffy top hat. He grins a Cheshire-cat smile at me, and either with his voice or some impossibly subtle gesture, conveys to me a single word: (right?!)
Before I could even exhale, I felt and heard a deafening loud pop and sizzle, like one of those old photographic flash bulbsm, followed immediately by a mechanical whoosh sound. In an instant my vision warped into what I can only describe as a tunnel of fractal light and sound as my entire consciousness and physical form imploded and was sucked into a black hole the size of a pin. I could feel my form exploding and being ripped away atom by atom as I was rocketed backwards across the universe, across infinite space as brightly lit as the sun. It was like that feeling you get at the top of a sky-high roller coaster as you teeter off the edge and plunge into the abyss, only it was backwards, faster than light. Curving and undulating into infinite, Escher-like loops of this one, singular, infinite moment. I immediately felt pure terror and realized I had taken too much, and there was no stopping it now. I was rocketing toward the empty, dark void I somehow knew was fast-approaching behind me. I think at this point I must have started screaming but my voice was absorbed into the whirring mechanical banging of the deafening sound all around me, coursing through me. It sounded like in the movie the matrix when Neo gets his whole body consumed by the metallic liquid and his scream turns into warbled nothingness. I could see things, images in the blur as I continued to fall and fall deeper, I remember yelling (what the fuck) but my voice was still cut down by the broken warbled sound as it stuttered off disappearing into the void.
What happened next was stunning. My life flashed before my eyes, but it wasn't how I thought it would be. It was in the form of photographs - real photographs that actually exist - that I've seen, in chronological order. First I saw a photo of myself as an infant being held by my parents. As quickly as I saw it it was replaced by next photo. I was a little older, held by my dad. These are real photos that exist in various family albums. I watched myself aging. It was very surreal. There was a photo of me and my sister watching TV. A photo of us playing in the park. A photo of me in a white tuxedo in church for first communion. They came faster and faster, photo after photo. Time was speeding up. I saw a picture my sister had taken of her, my dad, and I on a ski-lift together. More and more. I saw what seemed like a hundred pictures.
There is now clearly something wrong with the fairy. She is running around the apartment, room to room, being very loud and hyper. Her behavior gradually becomes even more erratic. She took off her shirt and was running through the apartment in her bra. She is yelling, laughing, and making sex noises. All the movement caused her navel piercing to bleed several times. Each time she would notice it was bleeding, she'd start crying but kept running around. In hindsight, I realize how terrible of an idea this was but I then asked the fairy if she wanted to use her spice yet. She agreed and smoked 50mg. It only made her act crazier. I tried to explain to the goblin that I had never seen her like this before. I was embarrassed because the goblin didn't know the fairy before the party. I asked to have the party at the goblin's and he agreed even though he didn't know the fairy.
Upon reaching said area I found myself standing in the living room again, effervescent clouds of color streaming from the walls into the vastness surrounding like a cacophony of vacuums oscillating infinitely. I could then just begin to hear disjointed ramblings approaching. It was a myriad of sounds collecting into small bunches that made up little symphonies. Each one was a different genre of music entirely and sounded quite discordant uniquely, but altogether the differing music created a larger orchestra and I could just barely make out the melody. The song was beautiful beyond words, yet still, I could not stand the madness. The rules were continuing to shift, the gravity continuing to fold, and I feared, yet again, that I would be lost forever. Looking over towards the couch I see Boob sitting straight up with his eyes fixed on me, and for the first time since the initial puff I can feel my own eyes and how wide they are. I must have appeared positively frightening at the time. When I see him I get the feeling that I am viewing a mirror of some kind and I am relieved that he is present. My exact thoughts were, I'm cool, that's boob right there. That's Boob? I'm Boob! I'm Boob? I'm not Boob. Have I been Boob this whole time? and all of a sudden I am someone else. I have been the entire time. Then who is Donovan? I wondered. The riddle was humongous and encompassing. Everyone that I knew was in the room at this point, all going about separate businesses, I just couldn't see them if I tried to look. I could feel them though, because I was them! Residual memory. I told myself, but I was my brother, so who was me? The rules continued to fluctuate, not immensely, but just enough to keep us all confused. The curator continues to meddle obnoxiously, but not without reason. I reach to my left and feel the leg of the coffee table.
All I could say, frantically and amazed, was, I exist? I exist! I exist! This exists. I exist! Oh my god, I exist!
This unfathomably powerful, conscious, intelligent, alien thing had completely overwhelmed me. The intensity came in quick waves, several times per second. For a short time I regained brief moments of some kind of awareness. Who am I and what the fuck is happening? My movements were jerky, coinciding with the energy pulses. Eyes wide open, my mind blow. All sense of who I was or what this world was or anything, everything, gone. I've accepted my death now, there's no going back after this. I understand this on a very deep level, there's just no way. What the fuck is this thing, why here, why now, why ME, what is this, what does it mean?
I fought it for as long as I could, which couldn't have been more than a couple seconds. I knew I had to let go of everything, of my sense self, fearlessly just embrace it. I had to trust it with everything, whatever it was. This mysterious thing that was happening to me was something incredibly powerful, incredibly meaningful; something so profound that it would fundamentally alter the way humanity viewed reality. My only option was to embrace it. There was nothing else, relax and completely give in to this unknown destroyer of worlds. Accept this, and know that there's no coming back. There's no way that could ever be possible.
The images and forms were distorted, escaping description but still infinitely amazing, but because I was facing backwards I could only see what had already passed. There were snippets from my life, visions of things I had done, people I've hurt and regretful decisions I've made, but it was all simultaneous. Like a feeling of pure dark energy, like concentrated darkness. It was a morphing cloud-like entity that seemed to be aware of me, and part of me at the same time. I can only describe it as being made up of all the worst parts of myself, the worst experiences I've ever felt, the darkest emotions. However this thing was aware and it spoke to me, not in english but I could understand its meaning. It showed me over and over again all the mistakes I've ever made and I was convinced of its intent, it wanted to keep me there, locked in this infinite dark loop of time. Forever being ripped apart, and re-assembled, and falling, falling endlessly. All the while being shown my own sins on an never-ending feedback loop of static torment. This darkened, morphing, infinite construct was a prison of my own making. I could hear or maybe more like feel a thousand different, distinct voices all around me screaming, not saying but screaming my name over and over again all around me, through me. And I knew that I had put myself into this place for the rest of time. This was my punishment for coming to this place unprepared, for trying to understand what I had no hope of comprehending until the universe had decided it was my time to die.
I didn't feel the sensation of leaving my body, I just seamlessly blipped into another reality.
There was nothing notable or distinctive about this place. My previous reality was instantly forgotten, although I retained a measure of ability to form distinctive thoughts. Was this some sort of waiting area or holding room? In contrast to the brightly pulsating fractals from moments earlier, I now only saw a whitish-gray fog everywhere. I was keenly aware of a benevolent or perhaps neutral entity leaning over me, looking down on me, calmly inspecting me. I couldn't make out distinct features, and the entity did not speak to me. I felt completely calm, patient, and a bit curious as to what it was doing. I understood only after the trip was done, that this was the gatekeeper who would direct my journey, because I soon blipped again and everything changed drastically a second time.
With that, the old order of things buckled and gave way to a logical inversion across some sinister axis. The facts of my human existence, time, space, my body, and my mind, were incomprehensible, beyond recall or even recognition, while ancient, cosmic, Lovecraftian notions of being were laid before me as plain and straightforward as a multiplication table. My eyes, in real life, were open at this point, and I found myself in what I describe in retrospect as a sort of bioluminescent disco, its geometry taking only the vaguest of hints from the room I was sitting in, but all the more absurd for the swivel chairs still visibly strewn around the dance floor. I remember crying out with a mixture of fascination and revelatory horror, this is what existence is. Immediately after must have been the blast off, because I felt myself suddenly pitched forward at great speed and shot though a series of lounge-like rooms.
As I staggered out into the kitchen he followed me wide-eyed and frantic asking me what was going on, shouting. I ran to the kitchen sink and started splashing cold water on my face and I realized my roommate was holding a small kitchen knife, frightened. I asked him in an obviously scared and confused voice why he had a weapon, and could he please put it down. He said that he heard me screaming (what the fuuuuuck, whaaaat theee fuuuuucccckkkk) over and over over, loud banging and crashing noises coming from my room. He threw the knife into a drawer and offered me some water before I started to try to explain. After a few mins of frantic explanation of what had just happened he finally told me why he had been holding the knife, he said he was scared because my screaming was replaced by a deep, demonic voice he swore did not belong to me. His exact words were, (it sounded like the Devil.)

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